Yesterday, April Fools Day, Cale and I searched through numerous picture albums for THE ten pictures we wanted to use for the slide show that will be shown on his Graduation night. By the way, yesterday was the DEADLINE to turn them in. I am so not like I used to be. Procrastination used to be an ugly word to me, but, procrastinate is what I have done this time. Honestly, I dreaded it terribly. Graduation invitations is another job I have put off. I know putting all of this off does not prolong May 6, 2011 getting here, but, it does prolong the tears that I know will drip down my face, and the feelings that go with it. So, yesterday, Cale and I sat in the library floor going through EVERY album I have filled since he was born. (Many, many pictures!) I wanted him to be happy with the choices, so I didn't give my opinion on any of them, other than, oohing and awing over them, and reminiscing over ALL of them...and YES, tears running from my eyes faster than I could wipe them. Poor Cale! All we needed were 10 (TEN) pictures...JUST 10. After hours of deliberation, eye wiping, nose blowing, etc., we made our choices. Finally, last night, after supper, Noelle helped us get the pictures scanned and emailed before the deadline ended. I have done a bit of soul-searching today...my mind and heart were way too exhausted last night to think about it any longer; but this morning, I have questioned myself as to the reason I am so emotional over Cale's graduation. You see, ALL I have thought about, ALL I have done, ALL I have put my being into, for 23 years now, feels like is coming to an end. ALL I've dreamed of has been being a wife and mother, and now, a part of that is changing. I know, I know...I am still a wife and mother, my children will still need me, I have plenty to do...I KNOW ALL OF THAT! But, this is a time of change. My children have been home with me almost all of the time. Noelle graduated in 2007, and she is still home, but, she works full time and takes computer classes, and even though, she still lives here, it's just not the same as when she was in school. It's still good though! Now, Cale, who represents the end of my homeschooling journey, is graduating in 5 weeks. It's a beginning for him, but, feels like an ending for me. I will have to retrain my brain how to think, my heart, how to feel, and my schedule, of what to do. Cale is not sure about his plans yet. One idea he has, he would have to move. The other idea he has, he would still live at home. Am I praying for the latter? I can honestly say, NO. Nor, am I praying for the first. I am, with all my heart, soul, and mind, praying that God will open doors for Cale, that no man can close; and He will close doors for Cale, that no man can open. In other words, I want God's perfect, divine will for my son.
Back to yesterday...I cried because of how quickly it seems time has passed since my children were little, changes are coming, and I will miss what I've known; what I've grown accustomed to for the past 23 years. I wasn't really crying because of Cale graduating. I am truly thankful that his mind has been bright, his health has been good, and that God provided and saw fit that I could pour my life into my family all of these years. I am thankful that I've been blessed with such a hard-working, loving, and kind husband, who adores me and his children, and who has made sure our home has been full and over-flowing with love, joy, and consistency. I am thankful that my children, thus far, have been faithful to God, and have sought His approval on their daily lives through obedience and hard work. I'm just thankful. There will morethan likely definitely be more tears fall from my eyes, but, through soul searching this morning, I know I am not losing anything. I may not have to plan for next school year, and I may not have children in my home every day, but, my heart and my mind cannot even contain the memories, the abundance of love and joy that comes from raising my two blessings. My role changes a bit, but, just as I have adjusted from babies to toddlers, to school age, teen-age, and all the other stages of their lives, I will come forth and arise to this change, with God's guidance and help. I am so proud of my children, not because of popularity or ability, but because of their Godliness, kindness, faithfulness, and generosity, that is a life style to them, not just good mannerisms. I feel like I am above all women, blessed.
I am sharing 3 of the 10 pictures Cale chose to use for his slide show.
The top picture is of him and Snick.
Such a sweet-sweet smile in the above picture.
And guess what is around his mouth on the last picture...